I was diagnosed with N last month amidst working full time, going to grad school part time, and starting my first internship. I work 10-11 hour days and force myself to be in bed by 10pm so I can wake up at 5am (7 hours) of sleep. Since I just began treatment, the neurologist recommended that I avoid driving but it's nearly impossible because I need to drive for my job. Work has been stressful with client crises and such. My supervisor is aware of the problem but I don't have any special accommodations and I am afraid to ask. I don't want people to think I'm using N as an excuse or crutch for anything. I fell behind in my internship hours starting my first day because of the sleep study. Now the doctor wants me to see a cardiologist to make sure my heart is strong enough to increase the dosage. All these appointments are affecting my work and my education and I'm falling behind.
I have a history of prescription drug abuse and depression which I have been doing well with these last several years. I don't know if it's a coincidence or if I'm being over-emotional, but I have been feeling really hopeless and a little bit suicidal. This scares me because I recognize when these thoughts are becoming dangerous for me. I have come so far and worked so hard to overcome that stuff and now I have THIS to deal with. I broke down at work today and told my parents everything. They want me to quit school for now and take care of this N stuff. But, if I quit now, I'll far so far behind and have to start my internship over again. Not to mention the loan money to pay for tuition will have been a complete waste. I can't quit or go to part time for my job because I'd lose my health benefits and it seems that I need the insurance more than ever now because of stupid N. I don't know what to do. Whatever I choose is a lose lose situation.
I feel so inadequate and so powerless to accomplish what I had planned before N. I can barely finish school and it's devastating. Even if I take a break from school, I will have serious loans to pay off. Which will just cause me more stress and fuel the depression. I just want to move on with my life and do what I'm supposed to but things keep getting in the way. I feel like I'll never get there and even when I do, I'll be miserable.
I don't want to sound like a whiney b**ch because I know there's people in the world who suffer daily and have worse situations that I. Am I doing too much? It doesn't seem like it. Why is going to grad school, working full time, and living on their own so difficult for me? It's not for other people, other people do it everyday. I feel so weak and disappointed. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, mostly myself. I used to be this strong, resilient young woman who wanted to change the lives around me. But I can't even help myself.
Just ranting, sorry. I'm sure I'll make sense of it someday, but thanks for being my sound board.
N Is Ruining My Life!
Started by
twinkiesaram
, Nov 14 2011 05:36 PM
2 replies to this topic
#1
twinkiesaram
-
- Members
- 6 posts
Member
- Gender:Female
- Location:Western New York
Posted 14 November 2011 - 05:36 PM
#2
Asleeper
-
- Members
- 73 posts
Member
- Gender:Male
- Interests:Minnesota
Posted 15 November 2011 - 12:00 AM
I am sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time lately. As I read your post a few thoughts came to mind. I'll try to share them with you.
It sounds like you are actually a strong and capable person who is just having a temporary confidence problem and some self doubts.
Although your diagnosis of narcolepsy is recent, like the rest of us, you probably have had it for several years. Look at how much you have accomplished so far. Now that you have the N label you are no less capable than you were before. If you are in graduate school, that means that you have already made it through four years of college so you must have developed some strong coping skills that you can continue to use to get through graduate school.
It sounds like the internship is tough right now. This is true for any new job, even for people without narcolepsy. All jobs start out tough and get easier as you learn the routine and the tricks. Isn't the whole point of an internship to gain the skills to do a job that isn't easy and requires some practice to do your best. Just remember that after every hard day you have, the next day will always be a little bit easier. In a few months you will be able to do it with your eyes closed ( a little narcolepsy humor here). I assume that you are doing this internship in a field that you find interesting. That interest will motivate and help keep you awake.
You haven't mentioned how your new medication is working for you. I hope you are able to find sometime that is helping.
Post again soon. We are all behind you and wish the best for you. We've been there.
Asleeper
It sounds like you are actually a strong and capable person who is just having a temporary confidence problem and some self doubts.
Although your diagnosis of narcolepsy is recent, like the rest of us, you probably have had it for several years. Look at how much you have accomplished so far. Now that you have the N label you are no less capable than you were before. If you are in graduate school, that means that you have already made it through four years of college so you must have developed some strong coping skills that you can continue to use to get through graduate school.
It sounds like the internship is tough right now. This is true for any new job, even for people without narcolepsy. All jobs start out tough and get easier as you learn the routine and the tricks. Isn't the whole point of an internship to gain the skills to do a job that isn't easy and requires some practice to do your best. Just remember that after every hard day you have, the next day will always be a little bit easier. In a few months you will be able to do it with your eyes closed ( a little narcolepsy humor here). I assume that you are doing this internship in a field that you find interesting. That interest will motivate and help keep you awake.
You haven't mentioned how your new medication is working for you. I hope you are able to find sometime that is helping.
Post again soon. We are all behind you and wish the best for you. We've been there.
Asleeper
#3
sleepywriter
-
- Members
- 131 posts
Member
- Gender:Female
- Location:Missouri
- Interests:baking, cake decorating, writing, running, spending time with my family
Posted 17 November 2011 - 04:59 PM
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I, too, was recently diagnosed, so I know a little bit about what you are feeling right now. Asleeper was right on the money with several things, including many I've had to remind myself about.
1. Narcolepsy did not "come on" all of the sudden. You have done SO many great things. Chances are, the reason you finally found the issue of narcolepsy is that all of the things on your "to do" list became hard to manage due to the sleepiness impacting your ability to get everything done. That's OK! Just remember, you've done everything before WITH NO TREATMENT. The good news is that WITH treatment, you'll be able to hopefully accomplish even more without feeling the brain fog.
2. Narcolepsy will not ruin your life unless you let it. Yes, it is awful to be given a diagnosis of a lifelong disorder. However, it doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold or stop everything you are doing. It sounds like you've worked way too hard to throw in the towel now. There may be some things you have to alter in order to manage your symptoms a little better, such as working in a nap or two in your schedule. The fact remains that you can do anything you were doing before your diagnosis. My doctor made a very good point a few days ago. He put it like this: "Work is engaging, it keeps your mind awake and gives you something to fight for. If you have a job you find interesting, you will cope easier than someone who hates their job and wants to just quit everything. That will mean narcolepsy has consumed you and I don't think you want that." He is damn right I don't! I may have narcolepsy, but narcolepsy doesn't have me!
3. School doesn't last forever. It's damn hard right now, but it's going to be over soon, and you'll be able to look back and be proud that you stuck with it. I'm in the same boat with my undergraduate degree (it has been a 10 year project thus far but I'm not quitting!!). How much longer do you have to go until you're finished?
It's ok to struggle sometimes. It's going to happen. You'll have some good days and you'll have some miserable days. On the miserable days, come here and vent, yell, cry, whatever you need to do. Do NOT sit in silence. There are so many people here rooting for you!
As for your depression, did you mention that to your neurologist? S/he may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist who knows about sleep disorders and how invasive they can be to your emotional stability. And what medications are you using to treat your N? Some of them can bring out depression and anxiety, so be sure you talk about this with your doctor(s).
Please feel free to reach out any time you need some words of encouragement.
1. Narcolepsy did not "come on" all of the sudden. You have done SO many great things. Chances are, the reason you finally found the issue of narcolepsy is that all of the things on your "to do" list became hard to manage due to the sleepiness impacting your ability to get everything done. That's OK! Just remember, you've done everything before WITH NO TREATMENT. The good news is that WITH treatment, you'll be able to hopefully accomplish even more without feeling the brain fog.
2. Narcolepsy will not ruin your life unless you let it. Yes, it is awful to be given a diagnosis of a lifelong disorder. However, it doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold or stop everything you are doing. It sounds like you've worked way too hard to throw in the towel now. There may be some things you have to alter in order to manage your symptoms a little better, such as working in a nap or two in your schedule. The fact remains that you can do anything you were doing before your diagnosis. My doctor made a very good point a few days ago. He put it like this: "Work is engaging, it keeps your mind awake and gives you something to fight for. If you have a job you find interesting, you will cope easier than someone who hates their job and wants to just quit everything. That will mean narcolepsy has consumed you and I don't think you want that." He is damn right I don't! I may have narcolepsy, but narcolepsy doesn't have me!
3. School doesn't last forever. It's damn hard right now, but it's going to be over soon, and you'll be able to look back and be proud that you stuck with it. I'm in the same boat with my undergraduate degree (it has been a 10 year project thus far but I'm not quitting!!). How much longer do you have to go until you're finished?
It's ok to struggle sometimes. It's going to happen. You'll have some good days and you'll have some miserable days. On the miserable days, come here and vent, yell, cry, whatever you need to do. Do NOT sit in silence. There are so many people here rooting for you!
As for your depression, did you mention that to your neurologist? S/he may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist who knows about sleep disorders and how invasive they can be to your emotional stability. And what medications are you using to treat your N? Some of them can bring out depression and anxiety, so be sure you talk about this with your doctor(s).
Please feel free to reach out any time you need some words of encouragement.
