27 replies to this topic

[chimbakka]

Did anyone notice that this person is ALWAYS late for work, even with meds? If a person cannot be on time for work on a regular basis, how in the world can they be a responsible parent and keep a job at the same time? It could work, sure. In reality? Come on. Hope for the best and plan for the worst? For a human being's life? NO - sorry. It's like I tell my son when he whines for a dog: Once you prove that you can be responsible for keeping the cat fed, then we'll talk about getting a dog.

as much as i hate this, i'll share the burden with you i do know what you are saying. when i found out i have N one of the first things i thought about was kids. i work full time right now. i MAY not be able to get easily pregnant (going to a new obgyn may fifth to try and get dx'd). either way, my fiance and i know that first i have to find out what/if anything is wrong and what will need to be done to help me get pregger and how long it may take (worse case).
THEN i have to plan for time off work to get pregnant and then while pregnant AND AFTER THE BABY IS BORN because im not gonna pop out a kid then go RIGHT BACK TO WORK. so i figure probably 2 years if i get preg RIGHT AWAY (which less face it is not very realistic) or THREE if it takes a year, or anywhere in between. MINIMUM. that's without the "do you want to stay at home till the kid is older/preschool/etc" talk that ALL couples have when they plan a kid. ok maybe most not all but still...

SO. this leaves me with three years off work (give or take) with a demon released. oh yes, i have to add, im going toh ave to go off meds THEN possible withdrawl THEN learn how to cope w/o meds THEN TRY to get preggers. so yeah three years is probably most realistic...

i do have a plan right now for all this. we are engaged, and the plan involves starting the kid thing IN A FEW YEARS, but i, personallyy, have to get the plan in motion NOW or to be blunt im *BEEP*ed and will not be able to realistically have children in a healthy environement.

im finding out about fertility. that's step one.

then i'm working on getting a full time job because right now im at two part time jobs and don't "qualify" for benefits at either, freakin hell. so i have to work full time somewhere (im hoping to get into a hospital) so i can get half decent benefits/coverage/etc

AND we are purchasing a house. actually just purchased a house. closing is aug first 09 woot!!! RIght now im workign like a dog, taking *BEEP*loads of ritalin most days, and payin off first my credit card (nearly done only a few hundred to go thank you very much!! lol) and then putting money towards the wedding, and then towards the house. our plan is to scrimp and have enough for a down payment to avoid cmhc fees (penalty for having less than X% of a downpayment when you get the mortgage). oh, and we are doing this now cuz we came across a great opportunity to actually benefit from this recession stuff and got a GREAT deal on a brand new house on a nice lot in a nice small town.

SO. after the house is bought, we may or may not go on a honey moon (getting the downpayment high enough is priority one, honey moon may be skipped or cheaped out on LOl), we've decided to skip getting a limo ($1500 savings there alone), and im getting a plain wedding band for now as opposed ot the full carrat princess cut half band that i wanted (haha yes there's another $2000 saved LOL).

THEN we are planning on just taking the microwave and toaster oven and little freezer we have, and getting a bar fridge for now. yes, a bar fridge.

SO.... this will put us in a WONDERFUL position over the next year to save and buy appliances at a time when prices are the best thus saving more money, and it's a great house with lots of resale potential ten years down the road, and lots of room for a kid or two, plus we can still finish the basement.

so by the time i've gotten a full time job and worked a year to get benefits and all that crap THEN we will hopefully have thrown enough down against the principle of the mortgage to have a very managable payment. THen i will likely go off meds and start the crazyiness, if all things permit. I plan on taking distance education online during this time to work towards upgrading to my degree (currently have a nursing diploma) and then i can have somethign usefull to do all day besides lay around bored as hell in between naps. i plan on going back on meds shortly after giving birth (will breast feed for one to two months then bottle).

I do believe one baby is do able for me/us at some point but i dunno what the hell i'll do with #1 while i try and get preggers/am preggers with #2 so it's either gonna be twins or im just having one probably LOL.

Oh, and i do have odb coverage for meds but depending on what meds one is on, you have to consider this big cost into after the baby. if u can pay for housing, the baby, meds, manage work + baby (realisitically i'll have to go to part time or somewhere between part and full instead of these ridiculous 90 - 95 hours/two week pay (yes NOT including breaks) i've been banging out the last few months)
so if u can work enough to pay the bills, AND have time for baby, AND have money for meds, AND have time to clean, AND all the other stuff in life... then yes baby is good

BUT.... i would first try and finding a way to live adequately without child THEN making a plan. sleepless is right... it does sound by your post that you aren't making it through life as it is with work and just basic responsibility... i would try and get a grasp on that and show yourself that with meds or whatever you need you CAN happily live with a full, heaping, over the edges plate before you take on the job of having kids. they don't come with receipts or a 90 day guarentee. you are stuck with them, and they with you

[sleepless sleeper]

I... cannot... believe that someone actually agreed with me on this. I really thought that I had gone into left field as usual. Well stated Chim.

Maybe if I could just learn how to use wordz more other ways like different people could think maybe alike me.

[chimbakka]

<br />I... cannot... believe that someone actually agreed with me on this. I really thought that I had gone into left field as usual. Well stated Chim.<br /><br />Maybe if I could just learn how to use wordz more other ways like different people could think maybe alike me.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

i don't think it's the words. im very much like u in that well... haha maybe i piss people off sometimes (or more times) but u know what u get. if i give advice/say something that is "good" well it's not just ot make someone feel better it's truth in my eyes, and vice verca. part of the problem with knowing things is that they aren't always good things... u know what im getting at.

[sleepless sleeper]

preaching to the choir

[eww]

I appreciate your points. I do. I just think that for some people (and I count myself in this) if they waited until the "right time" it would never happen. If I wanted children, but waited until I had everything in place like Chimbakka said I'd be... oh, 37? At the rate I'm going I will finish my education by the time I'm 34ish. Then a job, then a house, then all that stuff? I'd be out of the babygame. And I know that I would have a very difficult, if not impossible time getting pregnant. So I guess what I'm saying is that the plans you guys talk about are great. They are literally the ideal situation (well minus the N). It's just that not everyone is now, or ever will be in the ideal situation.

My mother found out she was pregnant in Greece, on a trip to Europe with the boyfriend she wasn't even all that sure about, having only been with him a few months. She had just finished school with no home of her own, no job and had been planning to be in Europe for at least 6 months. She considered abortion and apparently my dad begged her not to. They had come back to Canada and she was staying with her parents when I was born. None of that story would be considered "ideal" in the least. And yet... here we are.

Life is messy. What happened to "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"? Having a plan is good. Clinging to the plan when it's not exactly working for you? Not so much. Plans are good and excellent things as tools, not as things in their own right. Unless you're a strategist who enjoys the beauty of a well thought out plan without caring for it's purpose, the plan is all about the success of the venture. So a plan to successfully parent with N is not a good plan if it eliminates the having babies part of the operation. I'm not saying that Dreamer (or anyone) should go into this without thinking things through. Nooo. I'm a proponent of thoughtful childbearing. Currently far too many people practice thoughtless childbearing for my taste. But waiting for perfection?

I know of a girl who lies to everyone about how she met her boyfriend to make it into a big romantic storybook tale. I don't get it. Everyone thinks they met at Stonehenge on the Summer Solstice. Sigh. If the relationship is good then why does she need the embellishment of false perfection? And if she needs that fairytale romance why is she with that guy? Why isn't it enough to just say "we met on the Tube"? Two people making eye contact longer than an embarrassing split second on the London Underground is enough of a miracle let alone striking up an actual conversation.

Ok I'm not sure where I was planning on going with that so I'll just say...

Plans are awesome, but only so long as they can bend with the circumstances. If you're always holding out for the guy at the Solstice, you miss the wonders of the guy on the Tube.

And I know a partner is different from a kid. But it's an analogy. People who wait to have kids, have the cash but not the youthful energy. People who have kids early have the youthful energy but not the cash. Blah blah blah. Either way it's sacrificing something. It's all a matter of your definition of "worth it".

In summation: If I wanted little street urchins of my own, I would set down a general plan of what I would need and how to go about it and then I would act on said plan. Probably after lots of consultation with others because my plans often look more like spiderwebs than plans. But aside from that... something would inevitably go wrong as it always does. Murphy is alive and well. And so I would deal. I'm quite certain that N would be one reason among a bazillion reasons why my children stressed me out. The anklebiters and I would love each other and probably hate each other in equal stead because as someone said my body would probably beg for a refund on the belly, they cry a lot and it's a well known fact that teenagers are evil. But eventually they'd grow up into semi-functional adults who are only somewhat crazy. Just like the rest of us.


Yes. I know I'm rambling. It's late. And I'm pretty sure there is a valid point in there somewhere. Seek and ye shall find. Or I'll come back tomorrow and shake my head and do the "what was I thinking" dance. Which is kinda likely at this point. But I have a point. I know I do.

[chimbakka]

I appreciate your points. I do. I just think that for some people (and I count myself in this) if they waited until the "right time" it would never happen. If I wanted children, but waited until I had everything in place like Chimbakka said I'd be... oh, 37? At the rate I'm going I will finish my education by the time I'm 34ish. Then a job, then a house, then all that stuff? I'd be out of the babygame. And I know that I would have a very difficult, if not impossible time getting pregnant. So I guess what I'm saying is that the plans you guys talk about are great. They are literally the ideal situation (well minus the N). It's just that not everyone is now, or ever will be in the ideal situation.

My mother found out she was pregnant in Greece, on a trip to Europe with the boyfriend she wasn't even all that sure about, having only been with him a few months. She had just finished school with no home of her own, no job and had been planning to be in Europe for at least 6 months. She considered abortion and apparently my dad begged her not to. They had come back to Canada and she was staying with her parents when I was born. None of that story would be considered "ideal" in the least. And yet... here we are.

Life is messy. What happened to "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"? Having a plan is good. Clinging to the plan when it's not exactly working for you? Not so much. Plans are good and excellent things as tools, not as things in their own right. Unless you're a strategist who enjoys the beauty of a well thought out plan without caring for it's purpose, the plan is all about the success of the venture. So a plan to successfully parent with N is not a good plan if it eliminates the having babies part of the operation. I'm not saying that Dreamer (or anyone) should go into this without thinking things through. Nooo. I'm a proponent of thoughtful childbearing. Currently far too many people practice thoughtless childbearing for my taste. But waiting for perfection?

I know of a girl who lies to everyone about how she met her boyfriend to make it into a big romantic storybook tale. I don't get it. Everyone thinks they met at Stonehenge on the Summer Solstice. Sigh. If the relationship is good then why does she need the embellishment of false perfection? And if she needs that fairytale romance why is she with that guy? Why isn't it enough to just say "we met on the Tube"? Two people making eye contact longer than an embarrassing split second on the London Underground is enough of a miracle let alone striking up an actual conversation.

Ok I'm not sure where I was planning on going with that so I'll just say...

Plans are awesome, but only so long as they can bend with the circumstances. If you're always holding out for the guy at the Solstice, you miss the wonders of the guy on the Tube.

And I know a partner is different from a kid. But it's an analogy. People who wait to have kids, have the cash but not the youthful energy. People who have kids early have the youthful energy but not the cash. Blah blah blah. Either way it's sacrificing something. It's all a matter of your definition of "worth it".

In summation: If I wanted little street urchins of my own, I would set down a general plan of what I would need and how to go about it and then I would act on said plan. Probably after lots of consultation with others because my plans often look more like spiderwebs than plans. But aside from that... something would inevitably go wrong as it always does. Murphy is alive and well. And so I would deal. I'm quite certain that N would be one reason among a bazillion reasons why my children stressed me out. The anklebiters and I would love each other and probably hate each other in equal stead because as someone said my body would probably beg for a refund on the belly, they cry a lot and it's a well known fact that teenagers are evil. But eventually they'd grow up into semi-functional adults who are only somewhat crazy. Just like the rest of us.


Yes. I know I'm rambling. It's late. And I'm pretty sure there is a valid point in there somewhere. Seek and ye shall find. Or I'll come back tomorrow and shake my head and do the "what was I thinking" dance. Which is kinda likely at this point. But I have a point. I know I do.

I totally agree with you. and honestly, if it wasn't for the pcos/endo i maybe/probably have there woudln't be nearly as much planning involved. i just don't want to be out of work 3+ years then end up going bankrupt.
that said, for MOST people i'd say follow your heart, and whatnot.
but at the same time.... if u start by saying you are having a hard time now/not getting up for work/etc etc then that's a bit different. people who want to have kids GIVE themselves to having kids. if i got pregnant right now i owuldn't be any less of a mother than if i went through with my plan. *I* would probably be eating toast three times a day, but i would do what i had to for my kid. but people who sound like they don't have it together to take care of themsevles and want a baby for the sake of a baby, not a *child*.... well i've seen too many people who've had kids for the wrong reasons... and man those pooor kids i wish i could take them all. one girl i met through an aquaintance had THREE kids by diff fathers and lived in a "low income"/gov't paid townhouse.... then she got knocked up with baby num four a few weeks after meeting the person i knew... then they broke up when the baby was about ayera... now she's preggers with num five by daddy num five. i should mention she sits on the computer all day and her baby girl, whos prob about six now tidys up her house.... and one day the fourth kid came home to daddy with a big sore on his hand because his mother RAN OVER HIS HAND WITH A VACUUM....
i guess what im getting at is you have to look at the reasons you want kids, and if you can fight the fight to raise them with N that is great. I know it's oging to be hard hence the planning, but if i did have a kid now you bet your ass i'd fight the fight and be a good mom. money, no money, being tired, feeling good. i dont' care i'd do it.
i do thinks its valuable though to try and get people to look inside themselves and see if they want a kid for the right reasons (or at least NOT the wrong ones) and if they are prepared for what it will do to their body, esp with N.
honestly, there are so many *BEEP*ty parents (and i mean *BEEP*ty to the point of neglect, not rich vs poor etc) that it really has nothing even to do with N. it has to do with you as a person.

my mom wasn't a great mom. but she wasn't neglectful, i had food, shelter, changed diapers, etc. she didn't run over my hands with vacuums, etc

[sleepless sleeper]

girl, please, I was 38 when I had my second one, although I have friends that have kids at this age and Older, but they do just fine.

[eww]

Yes but you were 38 with working ovaries. I'm 24 without working ovaries. LOL. I had drs suggest I start trying to have children before I was 25 if I wanted any.

Anywho... so my rambling the other day was basically saying (or attempting to say) exactly what you said Cimbakka. It's an individual thing.